Say Cheese!

We watched Eurovision last night, the annual song competition that draws hundreds of millions of viewers.  There were 27 countries in the finals, each carrying the hopes and dreams of their countrymen.

Think of it as American Idol meets the Olympics.  What, you’ve never heard of a Eurovision winner?  Don’t worry, you will be reminded constantly that ABBA got their big break by winning in 1974.  Anyone else in the 60-year history of the competition?  Hm.  Did I mention ABBA?

The acts tend to be either talented or cheesy.  I, of course, love the cheesy acts.  Last year the Bearded Lady won, a dude from Austria who likes to pair his beard with gigantic false eyelashes and glittering evening gowns.  Although personally I thought the Ukrainian guy running around in a giant hamster wheel topped him in cheesiness.

This year’s contestants didn’t quite match those high points, but there were a few memorable acts.   The singer from Georgia was sort of like a warrior goddess from the land of the undead.  She wore all black – high leather boots, dozens of crow feathers sticking out of her shoulders and a kind of dark tiara of death.  Definitely scary.

Then there was the 70’s revival band from Austria, complete with authentic bad 70’s rocker haircuts (calling Peter Frampton!)  Halfway through their act their piano burst into flames.   How they got this past the fire marshal I have no idea.  The judges rewarded them with exactly zero points, the first time this has happened in a dozen years.

But really, how can you top Azerbaijan?  Against a kind of creepy forest background, one guys sang while a couple of others sort of crawled around on the ground.  Their torsos were pretty much naked except for leather collars and leashes, while their lower bodies were covered with what can only be described as a cross between leotards and diapers.   Serious cheesiness.

Sweden won, with a forgettable song but great graphics.  Australia finished fifth, although the last time I looked Australia wasn’t anywhere near Europe.  I guess I need a better map.

My favorite was France, but once again they finished near the bottom.  Most of the songs are sung in English, but the proud French stay true to their native tongue.  That probably hurt them with the international judges, as did the title of their song – roughly translated as “Our Food Tastes Better than Yours.”

KVS

This year's hostesses

Xanu, queen of the undead

Now where did I put that fire extinguisher?

Top prize for cheese